In my newsletter last weekend, I wrote about how to maintain friendships when you’re always leaving. The issue went out while we were in the Colorado mountains celebrating one of our closest friend’s 50th birthday. On our way to the party, we stayed with another friend who spoiled us with the best (seriously, the best) homemade pizza. So, friendship is on my mind.
It doesn’t matter who you are or where you live, food is likely to be a central part of your closest relationships. In fact, the experience of sharing food with people you love is possibly the most common human experience. But HOW food influences our relationships is more personal and subjective.
So, this week’s question: What role does food play in your closest relationships?
I'm looking at the question from another perspective. If friends and loved ones don't share my enthusiasm for local/sustainable/ethical? I will be writing about the dilemmas I often find myself in.
Interesting. I agree that food can also be divisive... or maybe it's more that people use food to further the definition that's already there? Food is such a deep part of our identity that it can also be used as a personal attack. I'm looking forward to reading your piece!
ooh this is right up my alley ❤️ it can be so hard to keep all of that inside, out of respect for others’ right to “you do you” — looking forward to it!
For us, food has always been about sharing. When we had friends or family coming over, mum always made at least twice what was needed to feed them all - "just in case". She would have been horrified if anything ran out before everyone had their fill.
And the food just tastes better when you're enjoying it with the people you love - actually the entire experience is so different. When I'm the one cooking, I love seeing their faces light up as they tuck in, love watching them savour the flavours and textures.
Oh the menu could get quite eclectic since we both liked to experiment. But the crowd favourites were always the old classics passed down by family and friends - oxtail barley soup, Massaman lamb shanks, itek sio (braised tamarind duck), dong bo rou (double-cooked pork belly), garbure au jambon (ham, pork and cabbage soup)... Maybe cos these dishes take not only time but so much love to make. You can taste the care and warmth that went into every bite.
I relate to your mum! I always make waaaaaaay too much food because running out of anything is my worst nightmare! My family teases me about how I use the words "just in case" to justify the truckload of food I've prepared to feed whatever small number of people we have over who will never eat it all. I'm trying to get better about it but also, we are who we are. 😂
I agree! Food is so much better when it is shared and made with love. I get great pleasure in cooking and baking for other people and seeing their reactions when I have made a favourite dish for them. Whenever my grandchildren arrive before they have finished giving hugs they are always asking for one of my cookies! It is part of their growing up and creates memories for them as well as bringing enormous pleasure to me. So I would say that food plays an enormous role in my close relationships - cookies for my grandchildren, a cake for a friend going through a hard time, my partner's favourite meal after a trip away....................
There were always cookies at my Grandma's house - it's one of our favorite memories about her! She used to say that cookies are the "original comfort food". I think of her every single time I bake cookies. You are creating strong memories for your grandkids that will stay with them for their entire lives.
It is lovely to create memories for my grandchildren. And it brings such pleasure seeing others enjoying my food. So food and relationships go hand in hand in my life.
My friend's gran has been gone over 20 years, but she still remembers that gran always filled the shortbread tins to the brim every time she went to visit. Everything from Shrewsbury biscuits to sablés and ma'amouls.
Food: my one true love. Honestly, the promise of a meal is one the only reasons I leave the house and socialize, so food is friendship maintenance.
Also, you can learn SO much about people just by what they eat! For example, if you’re into pineapple pizza… I’m definitely questioning your life choices (I said what I said). But if you’re into blood sausage soup, I know probably have some crazy stories to share (I eat neither pineapple pizza nor blood sausage soup).
And let’s not forget, over time, I’ve managed to train my husband to love things he used to despise, which means food = self-development.
Food is basically a personality trait - looks great, smells amazing, tastes like happiness and just makes you an all-around much better person. 💖
I often question why we put Pineapple on Pizza. I guess it's the sweet and sour thing. The first time I ever tasted Pizza was in Florence, Italy in the mid 1970's, at that time there were no big branded pizza places, just little family business making and selling their own version. It has been the benchmark of all the other pizza's I have eaten since. Thin base, with a scattering of cheese and tomato sauce. Nothing else.
What’s crazy is that it’s called a Hawaiian pizza…but Hawaiians don’t eat pineapple on their pizza! 🤣🤣🤣 They’d put Kalua pork or even kimchi on it first! To each their own. I confess that American New York style gooey cheesy pizza is my favorite. 😬
I definitely think you should have "food is friendship maintenance" and "food = self-development" printed on t-shirts. They'd sell like hotcakes. When my husband and I got married he was such a picky eater and now he'll eat pretty much anything. I am happy to take all the credit for that and I'll be sure to tell him that Sandra says I'm contributing to his personal growth. 😉
Great question! It’s interesting how food plays a different role in each relationship that we have.
• With my book club (we’ve been together 19 years!), it is always a potluck with a food theme centered around whatever book we are discussing that day. We love experimenting with recipes and learning from each other.
• With my mom, it’s always Korean food that either she has made or we go to her fave restaurant.
• With my brother and his family, it’s the best of NYC restaurants (he lives in the city) and taking me to their current favorite.
• With my husband, it’s become more fluid now that our kids are grown and on their own. He likes to treat me to a meal out.
• and with my three adult children, it is all about making their favorite foods when they come around.
Yes, it’s all food but that food shows up in different ways with different relationships. I think of it as kind of like “love languages,” if you’ve ever read that book by Gary Chapman. I think many times that food role is less about the food and more about showing love through the quality time together, the act of making and serving food to friends and family, or even the gifting of food for guests to take home with them.
There are many things that bring people together, but not as much as food does. The joy begins in the anticipation of what to make, and what we are going to eat when we get together. Then there are the memories we take with us when we leave.
"food role is less about the food and more about showing love through the quality time together" -- I love this perspective! So true! If you come to my house, I will feed you, and I hope you like the food, but mostly I hope you'll know that I'm glad you're there. I definitely got that from my grandma and my mom, and I see my daughters doing the same thing. You reminded me of a book club I had for many years. We laughingly called it the food and wine club where we talk about books, because food was so much a part of it!
For me, food is a love story. My husband and I are massive foodies. For our first valentines I made him a chicken pie. For his birthday I turned up at his flat with a cherry pie and matching cherry print skirt!
Still, all these years later, his support is unwavering. He bought me my first patisserie book. He found a local patisserie course and encouraged me to apply. He tests every bake. (His favourite is my pistachio eclair.) I trust his opinion, and taste buds, implicitly.
He's a pretty good bread baker himself. His focaccia is the best I have ever tasted. (Better than mine!)
Sickly sweet I know. We even promised to always cook a good meal for each other in our wedding vows.
Rebecca, your question really resonated with me, as food has taken on a very different role in my relationships over the years.
Back when my partner was alive, I used to host gatherings for our shared friend groups—not so much out of personal enjoyment, but because I felt it was something I should do. It seemed like the right way to maintain social connections. I’d put a lot of effort into creating meals that people loved, but I often felt there was a lack of deeper connection. The conversations felt like reruns, with familiar stories just dressed up in new names and faces. I entertained more for her sake than mine.
After she passed away, I continued to host a few more times, thinking it would help keep some semblance of connection. But the gatherings felt even more draining without her, and I realized I was no longer willing to be seen as just a source of good food without receiving any real appreciation or meaningful exchanges in return.
When I started my trauma recovery journey and began truly acknowledging my needs, feelings, and desires, I came to terms with something: I hadn’t been fond of those gatherings for quite a while. So I stopped hosting, knowing that those friend groups and I were on very different paths. Now, I cook with intention—mainly for two friends who genuinely value the experience, and occasionally for my younger brother. But the most fulfilling part of my culinary journey has been sharing recipes and stories with my readers. They appreciate not just the flavors but also the history and the effort behind each dish, making the whole process rewarding in a way I hadn’t experienced before.
Someday, I’d love to live-cook for people at my own table again. But that’s not in the cards for now. I’ve lived where I am for most of my life, and while I know nearly everyone I could have connected with here, I don’t want to reconnect with them. Cooking for those who value and see the heart behind what’s being served—that’s what I’m holding space for in the future.
Love this. I have come to some similar realizations in recent years. Cooking for people is one of the ways I show people that I love them. Most of the time it gives me pleasure! But we also have some people in our lives for which I have decided it's just not worth it. Instead of feeling joy, I feel taken advantage of.... and that's not good for any of us. Food shared with people we love and who love us back is one of life's greatest pleasures. Protecting that pleasure by keeping the experience for those we love and who love us back is a valuable skill.
What you described is exactly what I had been feeling for so long, yet I didn’t even admit it to myself at first. It took some time and self-reflection to recognize what was going on and accept that cooking for people who don’t truly see or value the effort behind it just isn’t worth it. Once I finally did, I stopped doing it completely. And while it was a difficult decision, it was also incredibly freeing. Now, I’m focused on cooking for those who genuinely appreciate it and for myself—without any sense of obligation or disappointment. It’s all about protecting that joy and reserving it for the people who love and see us as we are.
Food is often the thing that brings us together, like wanting to try a new cafe or bakery, or do something a bit special like a high tea. I also always love sharing any baked goods with friends that I have made, to the point it’s become what I’m known for within my friends families 😆🧁
Of all the things we can be known for, spoiling people with delicious treats that we've spent our time and resources to prepare, is one of the greatest. I love it! ❤️
Food is how my almost-3-year-old son and I connect on a very deep level. It’s what most of our days center around — that and going outside to climb and run around. He will eat just about anything that I make, and that’s what brought me here to Substack in the first place — his journey into starting solid foods was guided by a feeding therapist who loved my recipes, so I’m here writing about them now. Not toddler-specific recipes, but recipes that everyone eats at the table together and how to modify them.
We are just now starting to bake cookies together (he’s a wild man who doesn’t like messes but will definitely make them haha) and I just love the joy that food brings him. He’s my favorite taste tester and food fanatic. The only toddler I know who loves sardines, chicken livers, and voraciously eats all of his vegetables.
How beautiful! Your son is not only going to grow up knowing how to cook and feed himself, but with so many wonderful memories of cooking with his mama! Also, I am so impressed that he likes so many different flavors at such a young age!
Sigh, times change. When I was growing up (eons ago), we happily downed veggies by the kilo at every meal - lightly fried with just a dash of salt, or sometimes in stews and soups. We also tucked into offal of all kinds - chicken hearts and gizzards, pork tongue and chitterlings, fish liver and egg sacs.
Mum never laid down any rules - she just set the food down on the table, and we could eat it or leave it. But if we didn't eat it, she didn't make us anything else.
Most of the time, we didn't even think about it, we just ate. There were things we discovered we detested (celery for me), but we just left those and ate the other stuff. And we discovered a lot of things we did love and still do.
Very glad that you make mealtimes such fun for your son, and that he's growing up sharing your love of food. It's so important to hang on to that sense of wonder and discovery.
For forty years or so, my friend and I have been eating together every other week. Currently, we take turns fixing breakfast for each other at our homes. We try new recipes and definitely use local food since we both shop at the farmers’ market. We’ve always gathered around food. Even during Covid, we found ways to meet outside through the weather and serve each other food. It’s just been part of the relationship since the start.
I love this so much! The friendship you describe is such a solid, real, tangible thing - the kind of relationship that becomes so intertwined with who you are it becomes a part of you. It's wonderful.
I'm looking at the question from another perspective. If friends and loved ones don't share my enthusiasm for local/sustainable/ethical? I will be writing about the dilemmas I often find myself in.
That could be a very interesting read. Let us know when it's published.
Interesting. I agree that food can also be divisive... or maybe it's more that people use food to further the definition that's already there? Food is such a deep part of our identity that it can also be used as a personal attack. I'm looking forward to reading your piece!
The pressure is on!
ooh this is right up my alley ❤️ it can be so hard to keep all of that inside, out of respect for others’ right to “you do you” — looking forward to it!
For us, food has always been about sharing. When we had friends or family coming over, mum always made at least twice what was needed to feed them all - "just in case". She would have been horrified if anything ran out before everyone had their fill.
And the food just tastes better when you're enjoying it with the people you love - actually the entire experience is so different. When I'm the one cooking, I love seeing their faces light up as they tuck in, love watching them savour the flavours and textures.
This is lovely. What sort of things would you or your mum make? Was there always a favourite that they wanted you to make?
Oh the menu could get quite eclectic since we both liked to experiment. But the crowd favourites were always the old classics passed down by family and friends - oxtail barley soup, Massaman lamb shanks, itek sio (braised tamarind duck), dong bo rou (double-cooked pork belly), garbure au jambon (ham, pork and cabbage soup)... Maybe cos these dishes take not only time but so much love to make. You can taste the care and warmth that went into every bite.
I relate to your mum! I always make waaaaaaay too much food because running out of anything is my worst nightmare! My family teases me about how I use the words "just in case" to justify the truckload of food I've prepared to feed whatever small number of people we have over who will never eat it all. I'm trying to get better about it but also, we are who we are. 😂
Haha vindication! Mum cooked her soups and stews in 20L pots 🙄. No one ever complained though cos everyone got to take home whatever was leftover.
I agree! Food is so much better when it is shared and made with love. I get great pleasure in cooking and baking for other people and seeing their reactions when I have made a favourite dish for them. Whenever my grandchildren arrive before they have finished giving hugs they are always asking for one of my cookies! It is part of their growing up and creates memories for them as well as bringing enormous pleasure to me. So I would say that food plays an enormous role in my close relationships - cookies for my grandchildren, a cake for a friend going through a hard time, my partner's favourite meal after a trip away....................
Cooking and baking for others gives us so much joy, doesn't it. And builds memories, especially for children.
There were always cookies at my Grandma's house - it's one of our favorite memories about her! She used to say that cookies are the "original comfort food". I think of her every single time I bake cookies. You are creating strong memories for your grandkids that will stay with them for their entire lives.
It is lovely to create memories for my grandchildren. And it brings such pleasure seeing others enjoying my food. So food and relationships go hand in hand in my life.
My friend's gran has been gone over 20 years, but she still remembers that gran always filled the shortbread tins to the brim every time she went to visit. Everything from Shrewsbury biscuits to sablés and ma'amouls.
Food: my one true love. Honestly, the promise of a meal is one the only reasons I leave the house and socialize, so food is friendship maintenance.
Also, you can learn SO much about people just by what they eat! For example, if you’re into pineapple pizza… I’m definitely questioning your life choices (I said what I said). But if you’re into blood sausage soup, I know probably have some crazy stories to share (I eat neither pineapple pizza nor blood sausage soup).
And let’s not forget, over time, I’ve managed to train my husband to love things he used to despise, which means food = self-development.
Food is basically a personality trait - looks great, smells amazing, tastes like happiness and just makes you an all-around much better person. 💖
I often question why we put Pineapple on Pizza. I guess it's the sweet and sour thing. The first time I ever tasted Pizza was in Florence, Italy in the mid 1970's, at that time there were no big branded pizza places, just little family business making and selling their own version. It has been the benchmark of all the other pizza's I have eaten since. Thin base, with a scattering of cheese and tomato sauce. Nothing else.
What’s crazy is that it’s called a Hawaiian pizza…but Hawaiians don’t eat pineapple on their pizza! 🤣🤣🤣 They’d put Kalua pork or even kimchi on it first! To each their own. I confess that American New York style gooey cheesy pizza is my favorite. 😬
It’s crazy, isn’t it.
I definitely think you should have "food is friendship maintenance" and "food = self-development" printed on t-shirts. They'd sell like hotcakes. When my husband and I got married he was such a picky eater and now he'll eat pretty much anything. I am happy to take all the credit for that and I'll be sure to tell him that Sandra says I'm contributing to his personal growth. 😉
LMAO! 🤣 Yes, you totally ARE!!!
Great question! It’s interesting how food plays a different role in each relationship that we have.
• With my book club (we’ve been together 19 years!), it is always a potluck with a food theme centered around whatever book we are discussing that day. We love experimenting with recipes and learning from each other.
• With my mom, it’s always Korean food that either she has made or we go to her fave restaurant.
• With my brother and his family, it’s the best of NYC restaurants (he lives in the city) and taking me to their current favorite.
• With my husband, it’s become more fluid now that our kids are grown and on their own. He likes to treat me to a meal out.
• and with my three adult children, it is all about making their favorite foods when they come around.
Yes, it’s all food but that food shows up in different ways with different relationships. I think of it as kind of like “love languages,” if you’ve ever read that book by Gary Chapman. I think many times that food role is less about the food and more about showing love through the quality time together, the act of making and serving food to friends and family, or even the gifting of food for guests to take home with them.
There are many things that bring people together, but not as much as food does. The joy begins in the anticipation of what to make, and what we are going to eat when we get together. Then there are the memories we take with us when we leave.
Yes there is something to that anticipation! And the talking about a meal before it’s eaten and afterwards.
"food role is less about the food and more about showing love through the quality time together" -- I love this perspective! So true! If you come to my house, I will feed you, and I hope you like the food, but mostly I hope you'll know that I'm glad you're there. I definitely got that from my grandma and my mom, and I see my daughters doing the same thing. You reminded me of a book club I had for many years. We laughingly called it the food and wine club where we talk about books, because food was so much a part of it!
For me, food is a love story. My husband and I are massive foodies. For our first valentines I made him a chicken pie. For his birthday I turned up at his flat with a cherry pie and matching cherry print skirt!
Still, all these years later, his support is unwavering. He bought me my first patisserie book. He found a local patisserie course and encouraged me to apply. He tests every bake. (His favourite is my pistachio eclair.) I trust his opinion, and taste buds, implicitly.
He's a pretty good bread baker himself. His focaccia is the best I have ever tasted. (Better than mine!)
Sickly sweet I know. We even promised to always cook a good meal for each other in our wedding vows.
Love, love, love this! May you have many, many more years filled with many, many more meals together. ❤️
Thank you ❤️
Dear Rebecca, dear communty,
Rebecca, your question really resonated with me, as food has taken on a very different role in my relationships over the years.
Back when my partner was alive, I used to host gatherings for our shared friend groups—not so much out of personal enjoyment, but because I felt it was something I should do. It seemed like the right way to maintain social connections. I’d put a lot of effort into creating meals that people loved, but I often felt there was a lack of deeper connection. The conversations felt like reruns, with familiar stories just dressed up in new names and faces. I entertained more for her sake than mine.
After she passed away, I continued to host a few more times, thinking it would help keep some semblance of connection. But the gatherings felt even more draining without her, and I realized I was no longer willing to be seen as just a source of good food without receiving any real appreciation or meaningful exchanges in return.
When I started my trauma recovery journey and began truly acknowledging my needs, feelings, and desires, I came to terms with something: I hadn’t been fond of those gatherings for quite a while. So I stopped hosting, knowing that those friend groups and I were on very different paths. Now, I cook with intention—mainly for two friends who genuinely value the experience, and occasionally for my younger brother. But the most fulfilling part of my culinary journey has been sharing recipes and stories with my readers. They appreciate not just the flavors but also the history and the effort behind each dish, making the whole process rewarding in a way I hadn’t experienced before.
Someday, I’d love to live-cook for people at my own table again. But that’s not in the cards for now. I’ve lived where I am for most of my life, and while I know nearly everyone I could have connected with here, I don’t want to reconnect with them. Cooking for those who value and see the heart behind what’s being served—that’s what I’m holding space for in the future.
Love this. I have come to some similar realizations in recent years. Cooking for people is one of the ways I show people that I love them. Most of the time it gives me pleasure! But we also have some people in our lives for which I have decided it's just not worth it. Instead of feeling joy, I feel taken advantage of.... and that's not good for any of us. Food shared with people we love and who love us back is one of life's greatest pleasures. Protecting that pleasure by keeping the experience for those we love and who love us back is a valuable skill.
Rebecca, I totally get it!
What you described is exactly what I had been feeling for so long, yet I didn’t even admit it to myself at first. It took some time and self-reflection to recognize what was going on and accept that cooking for people who don’t truly see or value the effort behind it just isn’t worth it. Once I finally did, I stopped doing it completely. And while it was a difficult decision, it was also incredibly freeing. Now, I’m focused on cooking for those who genuinely appreciate it and for myself—without any sense of obligation or disappointment. It’s all about protecting that joy and reserving it for the people who love and see us as we are.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful and thoughtful post
Food is often the thing that brings us together, like wanting to try a new cafe or bakery, or do something a bit special like a high tea. I also always love sharing any baked goods with friends that I have made, to the point it’s become what I’m known for within my friends families 😆🧁
Of all the things we can be known for, spoiling people with delicious treats that we've spent our time and resources to prepare, is one of the greatest. I love it! ❤️
Food is how my almost-3-year-old son and I connect on a very deep level. It’s what most of our days center around — that and going outside to climb and run around. He will eat just about anything that I make, and that’s what brought me here to Substack in the first place — his journey into starting solid foods was guided by a feeding therapist who loved my recipes, so I’m here writing about them now. Not toddler-specific recipes, but recipes that everyone eats at the table together and how to modify them.
We are just now starting to bake cookies together (he’s a wild man who doesn’t like messes but will definitely make them haha) and I just love the joy that food brings him. He’s my favorite taste tester and food fanatic. The only toddler I know who loves sardines, chicken livers, and voraciously eats all of his vegetables.
How beautiful! Your son is not only going to grow up knowing how to cook and feed himself, but with so many wonderful memories of cooking with his mama! Also, I am so impressed that he likes so many different flavors at such a young age!
Sigh, times change. When I was growing up (eons ago), we happily downed veggies by the kilo at every meal - lightly fried with just a dash of salt, or sometimes in stews and soups. We also tucked into offal of all kinds - chicken hearts and gizzards, pork tongue and chitterlings, fish liver and egg sacs.
Mum never laid down any rules - she just set the food down on the table, and we could eat it or leave it. But if we didn't eat it, she didn't make us anything else.
Most of the time, we didn't even think about it, we just ate. There were things we discovered we detested (celery for me), but we just left those and ate the other stuff. And we discovered a lot of things we did love and still do.
Very glad that you make mealtimes such fun for your son, and that he's growing up sharing your love of food. It's so important to hang on to that sense of wonder and discovery.
For forty years or so, my friend and I have been eating together every other week. Currently, we take turns fixing breakfast for each other at our homes. We try new recipes and definitely use local food since we both shop at the farmers’ market. We’ve always gathered around food. Even during Covid, we found ways to meet outside through the weather and serve each other food. It’s just been part of the relationship since the start.
I love this so much! The friendship you describe is such a solid, real, tangible thing - the kind of relationship that becomes so intertwined with who you are it becomes a part of you. It's wonderful.
I love that you found ways to meet outside during lockdown, and enjoy food together.